"Stop making a fool out of me, why don't you come on over, Valerie." this song plays on repeat in my head (and probably on my puter) over and over and over again. I like it. But I like it like Calgon. It takes me away...completely. I honestly feel the beehive coming on and my hand sewn cherry pie apron magically appear on me. * Which on a side note, I WILL be blogging about later *
My walls turn orange, and my carpet is patterned when this song plays. In my head, it's that simple. beehive, liquid eyeliner, cherry pie apron, cookies in oven, and one or more children doing a puzzle on my patterned carpet. I am not drunk either. Although, I do plan to have a glass of wine once the shorties are in bed.
Some things will never change for me. The first day of school will always be stressful, I will always seem to find compassion for the underdog, and music will always inspire me to be something else? more? different? Whatever it is, I love music. I love this song. I love Amy Winehouse. I loved her before she died..despite her issues. good grief, nobody's perfect. heaven knows I have too many flaws to mention. I don't want to jump on the Amy Winehouse debate over whether or not she was worthy - because even if I do believe she was, it's not up to me to convince you.
In fact, I really don't feel like convincing anything anymore. I'm tired. and over thirty! hA! Everyone knows what that means. or they think they do. But anyways, (yes, Ms. deGeneres, you haunt me everytime still) I have a new passion. I want to say guess, but I think you'd all guess wrong. I'm a wee bit addicted to cycling right now (not it!) and I truly love how creative my kitchen skills have become, but my passion is more than that.
I think I've always been a lil' bit philosophical, a lil' bit creative, a lil' bit into healthy living, a lil' bit a lot of things. The last ten years, I've had hurdles, and triumphs and both have taken a lot out of me. As they would anyone, or as anyone's hurdles/triumphs would. And now, I don't know what has changed in me - but I am more interested in wholesome, good-filled, well balanced living. That's it. just living. balanced. I'm going to find it. I mean, I am finding it. it's found. mostly. and now I'm going to blog about it. If only I could get that ginger haired girl off my mind.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Monday, May 17, 2010
Little new me
My littlest girl is 5 years old. Katarina had her birthday last Friday. She feels like my baby still...somehow more so than Sam. My Kattie is a doll. Like any child, yes, at times she can drive you crazy - but she has the most sweetest, most genuine heart.
I've been watching her a lot lately and noticing what I should have long ago. Now, after what I just said about her this may seem like a very self absorbed comment, but I will state the obvious anyhow. Katarina is mini me. She is exactly like me. Appearance wise obviously, but in so many other ways too. I noticed yesterday when my brother asked me a question and then made fun of me because I am a quiet talker. Since I was young, various people have remarked, smirked, or maybe just been annoyed over not being able to hear me. Not always, but on many occasion. I would try and speak up the next time, and somehow be even more awkward than I was the previous time. And now, I catch myself becoming annoyed with my little girl over the same issue. I get it now. Like me, she is not trying to be annoying or unheard - in fact, in her own head I am very certain she sounds loud enough. She may be feeling a little unsure, or maybe she is just putting a lot of thought into what she is trying to say - or just being extra cautious. Or perhaps, it is just in her nature that a soft voice is what she has. Sometimes lessons come years later, and I clearly missed the first few years of this lesson but I get it now. Instead of being annoyed or frustrated with her, I need to listen more carefully or maybe it is my problem, not hers that I can't put as much care into what she is saying as it is taking for her to say it. Something that once made me feel insecure, and even more soft spoken has now taught me that maybe it is not such a terrible attribute to have after all. And maybe there is even a little bit of charm in her sweet little way.
My daughter is one of the most generous, sincere, and gentle beings that I have ever met. Of course, she has not yet been polluted by school nor too much from the self absorbed "me generation". I need to help her to be confident in all of her soft spoken ways so that she will stay true to herself, what a tough task for any parent.
I am extra reflective today. Blogging from our sunny deck - tired as heck. Stoopid sleep. My neighbour pointed something out to me the other day. That terrorists use sleep, or lack thereof, as a tool for torture. So true...night after night, day after day being deprived of one of your most basic needs...thank goodness, the boy is napping now and all I have to do (I mean really do, the housework will still be there tomorrow) is watch my Kattie swing back and forth.
I've been watching her a lot lately and noticing what I should have long ago. Now, after what I just said about her this may seem like a very self absorbed comment, but I will state the obvious anyhow. Katarina is mini me. She is exactly like me. Appearance wise obviously, but in so many other ways too. I noticed yesterday when my brother asked me a question and then made fun of me because I am a quiet talker. Since I was young, various people have remarked, smirked, or maybe just been annoyed over not being able to hear me. Not always, but on many occasion. I would try and speak up the next time, and somehow be even more awkward than I was the previous time. And now, I catch myself becoming annoyed with my little girl over the same issue. I get it now. Like me, she is not trying to be annoying or unheard - in fact, in her own head I am very certain she sounds loud enough. She may be feeling a little unsure, or maybe she is just putting a lot of thought into what she is trying to say - or just being extra cautious. Or perhaps, it is just in her nature that a soft voice is what she has. Sometimes lessons come years later, and I clearly missed the first few years of this lesson but I get it now. Instead of being annoyed or frustrated with her, I need to listen more carefully or maybe it is my problem, not hers that I can't put as much care into what she is saying as it is taking for her to say it. Something that once made me feel insecure, and even more soft spoken has now taught me that maybe it is not such a terrible attribute to have after all. And maybe there is even a little bit of charm in her sweet little way.
My daughter is one of the most generous, sincere, and gentle beings that I have ever met. Of course, she has not yet been polluted by school nor too much from the self absorbed "me generation". I need to help her to be confident in all of her soft spoken ways so that she will stay true to herself, what a tough task for any parent.
I am extra reflective today. Blogging from our sunny deck - tired as heck. Stoopid sleep. My neighbour pointed something out to me the other day. That terrorists use sleep, or lack thereof, as a tool for torture. So true...night after night, day after day being deprived of one of your most basic needs...thank goodness, the boy is napping now and all I have to do (I mean really do, the housework will still be there tomorrow) is watch my Kattie swing back and forth.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
YAHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
We're going on a trip in our favorite rocket ship...well, not quite a rocket. But close - Westjet! Yup, that's right the McNutt's are going on a holiday. We weren't planning a trip but one came our way and here we are booked, excited, and a little nervous too!! I am firm believer in following where God leads you and this is where we go next!
Last Friday, I was just checking my email and I read out loud a flight deal to Mike and laughed. Surprisingly, he turned around and said, "REALLY?!" Then after looking into it, it was for real and not very advertised. $49 flights to Mexico!!! And to top it off there was a newer resort offering a special just for families. We were so excited we called my parents right away and good friends that just came home from travelling that would know what we need to do. Then for the weekend we decided to sit on it, do what we could for our passports, and then wait to see what the Canadian passport office had to say. Everything was falling into place, even Sam's birth certificate came out of hiding (it's been missing since July!). I'm not talking about little signs and persuasions, I'm talking about great big arrows followed by a kick in the butt. Even commercials for vacationing in Mexico were on the television all weekend. Sunday night, Mike and I checked the flights to see if they were still available. We were all ready for the passports to be processed the next morning. The kids had gone to bed, we had been on the edge of our seats all weekend and no one (except our friends and mom and dad) knew what we were thinking. I sat down at the computer and clicked on Westjet. OMGosh... they were done. All snatched up. No more return flights available for under $600. Oh well - it was disheartening, but we waited too long.
I don't know what made me look first thing the next morning, but I did. Maybe it is my need for self torture. You know, when your down and out but compelled for one last blow for good measure? that kind of thing....well, I'm sure glad I did because they had 4 seats to and 3 seats available for $49 return. I only needed 4 as Sam flies free! They also had a few seats available for $234 now. I decided to book the 3 now and wait for another to pop up over the day. While on the phone with westjet, all but one of the $230 returns went as well. So, I took the last one too. I had 24 hours to decide if we were keeping the flight.
Next - the passport office. Everything went so well. They kept telling me that we were one of the lucky ones that got a hold of that deal! I didn't know how I felt yet, I wanted to be excited but it was happening very VERY fast!!
Here we are now - too late to cancel flights, passports being processed, immunizations booked, and accommodations all in place! I can't believe we are going on a vacation!!! The kids are so excited, Mike has taken off work (which he never ever EVER does), and more than anything this holiday is just so needed. I can't wait for a change of scenery, the sunshine, the adventure, no phones, no email, no facebook, and just an escape with my most favorite people - my family. Now if only I could get rid of my Mommy nerves. I am such a homebody. I have a hard time leaving my house for the store, nevermind the country to a brand new place! It's time to get out of my comfort zone and step out. I really don't think it is normal to need encouragement to go on a holiday, but sadly for me - I kind of do! I had to laugh last night, as I think Mike and I have both been here too long - we both have unsettled nerves about leaving our house. BUT, we're super excited too - I can't wait to see the look on the girls' faces.... every two minutes....
Ok now girl, just breathe. YEeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaahhH!
Last Friday, I was just checking my email and I read out loud a flight deal to Mike and laughed. Surprisingly, he turned around and said, "REALLY?!" Then after looking into it, it was for real and not very advertised. $49 flights to Mexico!!! And to top it off there was a newer resort offering a special just for families. We were so excited we called my parents right away and good friends that just came home from travelling that would know what we need to do. Then for the weekend we decided to sit on it, do what we could for our passports, and then wait to see what the Canadian passport office had to say. Everything was falling into place, even Sam's birth certificate came out of hiding (it's been missing since July!). I'm not talking about little signs and persuasions, I'm talking about great big arrows followed by a kick in the butt. Even commercials for vacationing in Mexico were on the television all weekend. Sunday night, Mike and I checked the flights to see if they were still available. We were all ready for the passports to be processed the next morning. The kids had gone to bed, we had been on the edge of our seats all weekend and no one (except our friends and mom and dad) knew what we were thinking. I sat down at the computer and clicked on Westjet. OMGosh... they were done. All snatched up. No more return flights available for under $600. Oh well - it was disheartening, but we waited too long.
I don't know what made me look first thing the next morning, but I did. Maybe it is my need for self torture. You know, when your down and out but compelled for one last blow for good measure? that kind of thing....well, I'm sure glad I did because they had 4 seats to and 3 seats available for $49 return. I only needed 4 as Sam flies free! They also had a few seats available for $234 now. I decided to book the 3 now and wait for another to pop up over the day. While on the phone with westjet, all but one of the $230 returns went as well. So, I took the last one too. I had 24 hours to decide if we were keeping the flight.
Next - the passport office. Everything went so well. They kept telling me that we were one of the lucky ones that got a hold of that deal! I didn't know how I felt yet, I wanted to be excited but it was happening very VERY fast!!
Here we are now - too late to cancel flights, passports being processed, immunizations booked, and accommodations all in place! I can't believe we are going on a vacation!!! The kids are so excited, Mike has taken off work (which he never ever EVER does), and more than anything this holiday is just so needed. I can't wait for a change of scenery, the sunshine, the adventure, no phones, no email, no facebook, and just an escape with my most favorite people - my family. Now if only I could get rid of my Mommy nerves. I am such a homebody. I have a hard time leaving my house for the store, nevermind the country to a brand new place! It's time to get out of my comfort zone and step out. I really don't think it is normal to need encouragement to go on a holiday, but sadly for me - I kind of do! I had to laugh last night, as I think Mike and I have both been here too long - we both have unsettled nerves about leaving our house. BUT, we're super excited too - I can't wait to see the look on the girls' faces.... every two minutes....
Ok now girl, just breathe. YEeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaahhH!
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Sam's got a new way to walk...WALK WALK!
BAD MOMMY!! How could I fail to mention....my boy took his first steps yesterday! I didn't catch them on the camera - but I did catch his excitement afterwards, using the pushwalker!!!
Way to Go Samson!!!!
Way to Go Samson!!!!
Bring on the Spring.
I haven't posted for a bit. I'm trying to decide if it's the weather or one of the other complaints on my list getting me down. Is it possible to have a delayed postpartum? I had PPD after Kat - so I wouldn't be surprised, it's just been so long - almost 9 months.
Samuel hasn't been sleeping very much. My days are long and the nights longer. After a week of no sleep, I think paranoia and anxiety set in. I wake up (or in my case decide to call it morning) more stressed than when I went to bed. My TMJ is so out of control. I am hoping to get my night guard soon - I just have so much pain in my face. Is it the lack of sleep, the time of year, or has my stress level just plateaued at numbness?
Sam's appointment is early tomorrow morning. I'm excited for him to tell me, "Samuel looks great!" I am confident about that at least. Sam looks better than ever! He looks ridgey to me, but the rest of his head is taking a very nice shape. Although the ridge does bug me, I've already decided that if anyone mentions it, it will only be another opportunity to create awareness.
Everyone keeps asking how ecstatic we are over the sale of our house finally. I think Mike is happy. I know I should be. Shouldn't I? Every house is hard to leave. Brown Street was tough, both of my little girls came home to that house from the hospital. Webster, wasn't as hard - but I didn't enjoy saying goodbye. To be honest, I felt a little cheated. Mike and I had gone 15 minutes early to do our last walk around and whatever we needed to do before handing the keys over, BUT the new owners' realtor was also there waiting. I was kind of mad. He followed us inside and made us feel unwelcome. We left our keys on the kitchen counter, and I left teary.
Webster was our baby too. We designed her and loved her and took care of her. I had a really hard time renting her, and then selling and finally leaving that day felt terrible.
Sometimes I wonder if because I'm a stay at home mom that leaving is harder. I'm here, I mean at home (where ever home has been) 90% of the time. I've used many excuses as to why I don't go out much. There has always been something. Usually, I have a baby with a baby schedule to adhere to. And for a long time, we only had one vehicle. Then throughout the past 6 years - I have babysat on and off. I've either had to be around for buses or pickups or, well, whatever...somedays I wonder if they are just 'excuses'. Maybe I should devote an entire section to the life of a SAHM (stay at home mom). I am very glad that I get to be at home with my kids, and I don't take that for granted. But I do miss the opportunity and privilege of working and using my creativity for something that someone's other than my own eyes can see. Nobody has ever said, "That's fantastic - you emptied the dishwasher, made all the beds, fed and got dressed all before 9 am! Why don't you take your coffee now?!" or "I really like what you've taught Sam to do this week - it must have been time consuming." Everybody needs a pat on the back - mine usually comes from my baby. "Good Job Mommy, being picked up is EXACTLY what I was thinking!"
* note: my blinkie has a spelling error. Funny. Now I need to use another blinkie:
Samuel hasn't been sleeping very much. My days are long and the nights longer. After a week of no sleep, I think paranoia and anxiety set in. I wake up (or in my case decide to call it morning) more stressed than when I went to bed. My TMJ is so out of control. I am hoping to get my night guard soon - I just have so much pain in my face. Is it the lack of sleep, the time of year, or has my stress level just plateaued at numbness?
Sam's appointment is early tomorrow morning. I'm excited for him to tell me, "Samuel looks great!" I am confident about that at least. Sam looks better than ever! He looks ridgey to me, but the rest of his head is taking a very nice shape. Although the ridge does bug me, I've already decided that if anyone mentions it, it will only be another opportunity to create awareness.
Everyone keeps asking how ecstatic we are over the sale of our house finally. I think Mike is happy. I know I should be. Shouldn't I? Every house is hard to leave. Brown Street was tough, both of my little girls came home to that house from the hospital. Webster, wasn't as hard - but I didn't enjoy saying goodbye. To be honest, I felt a little cheated. Mike and I had gone 15 minutes early to do our last walk around and whatever we needed to do before handing the keys over, BUT the new owners' realtor was also there waiting. I was kind of mad. He followed us inside and made us feel unwelcome. We left our keys on the kitchen counter, and I left teary.
Webster was our baby too. We designed her and loved her and took care of her. I had a really hard time renting her, and then selling and finally leaving that day felt terrible.
Sometimes I wonder if because I'm a stay at home mom that leaving is harder. I'm here, I mean at home (where ever home has been) 90% of the time. I've used many excuses as to why I don't go out much. There has always been something. Usually, I have a baby with a baby schedule to adhere to. And for a long time, we only had one vehicle. Then throughout the past 6 years - I have babysat on and off. I've either had to be around for buses or pickups or, well, whatever...somedays I wonder if they are just 'excuses'. Maybe I should devote an entire section to the life of a SAHM (stay at home mom). I am very glad that I get to be at home with my kids, and I don't take that for granted. But I do miss the opportunity and privilege of working and using my creativity for something that someone's other than my own eyes can see. Nobody has ever said, "That's fantastic - you emptied the dishwasher, made all the beds, fed and got dressed all before 9 am! Why don't you take your coffee now?!" or "I really like what you've taught Sam to do this week - it must have been time consuming." Everybody needs a pat on the back - mine usually comes from my baby. "Good Job Mommy, being picked up is EXACTLY what I was thinking!"
* note: my blinkie has a spelling error. Funny. Now I need to use another blinkie:
ANYWAYS, bring on the spring. Bring on the sunshine, bring on the flowers, and all the melty weather. Bring the fresh air, and clear out this staleness. Oh and while we're bringing things....somebody bring a little Zzzzzzzzzzzzz's over to Sherlock. so very much needed, thanks.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Sunday, February 21, 2010
AHHhh, It's all coming together now.
Croup. I should have guessed it was coming. It's been making it's arrival over the last 3 days. My Friday ended with an entire bottle of glass cleaner dumped on my kitchen floor, kids whining for supper, a crying baby, me scrambling around the house -tripping over toys/trying to keep the munchkins happy, and last but not least, a husband calling 45 minutes after he usually gets home to say that he didn't know what time he'd be home tonight. Perfect. It absolutely NEVER fails, my worst SAHM days, Mike always ends up working late. Seriously, who works late on a Friday night?! Pick that guy. Oh well, it allowed me extra time to feel sorry for myself while washing dishes, so I could make room to wash more dishes.
Thankfully, yesterday made up for my bad Friday. I had a blast with Sherry!!! We had such a fun girly day. We indulged all day. I bought an awesome Tupperware pickle container. It's pretty sweet, you pull up the handle and the pickles rise out of the pickle juice - no more fishing with a fork! I'm going to take a picture of it and post it! That reminds me, I still need to get over to Webster to take a picture of Kat's Bolcano before the house is handed over to the new owners.
Thankfully, yesterday made up for my bad Friday. I had a blast with Sherry!!! We had such a fun girly day. We indulged all day. I bought an awesome Tupperware pickle container. It's pretty sweet, you pull up the handle and the pickles rise out of the pickle juice - no more fishing with a fork! I'm going to take a picture of it and post it! That reminds me, I still need to get over to Webster to take a picture of Kat's Bolcano before the house is handed over to the new owners.
Pretty snazzy huh? It even matches my house. Sherry bought one too, only the smaller version. Mine can hold a giant jar of pickles. Her's is more practical maybe, and it's pink.
This week should go by fast. I have something going on tomorrow, Wednesday - we hand the keys over, Thursday is Sampson's neurosurgeon appointment, and Friday Kenz has no school and it's Mike's EDO. Also, Sammy has his 6 month vaccinations Friday morning as well. Have a good, healthy, and productive week - I have to run, I can hear my baby seal barking upstairs....
Friday, February 19, 2010
oh. One of THOSE.
It's just one of those days. Sammen has cried, er screamed, since about 8 am. I've been up since 3. And before that it was minutes here and there. My poor boy - I don't know if he swallowed something he shouldn't have, or if he is coming down with something? It seems to be a gut issue - lots of gas and bearing down, but he won't latch on either...crap, it's just one of those moments that you can't do anything but join in on the crying. Of course it isn't Mike's EDO today.
I feel bad for that boy too. Mr. McNutt, that is. I rely so much on him. He is my best friend, my best support in every way. There is lots of pressure on that guy.
Tomorrow I'm having a girl day with Mike's sister. I am so excited! I don't spend as much time as I'd like with his sisters...it should be a fun day! I wish at least one of them lived here. I mean, not in my house, but in the neighbourhood - would be nice. Oh, except Marcy. Nobody likes her.
I can only imagine what Marcy's face looked like as she just read that (probably while at work - get to work MARCY!) I was kidding of course! Everyone loves Marcy, c'mon!! It's Marcy! She is one of my favorite blondes in the entire world - for sure in the top 3!! I'm for sure getting hatemail after this.
I feel bad for that boy too. Mr. McNutt, that is. I rely so much on him. He is my best friend, my best support in every way. There is lots of pressure on that guy.
Tomorrow I'm having a girl day with Mike's sister. I am so excited! I don't spend as much time as I'd like with his sisters...it should be a fun day! I wish at least one of them lived here. I mean, not in my house, but in the neighbourhood - would be nice. Oh, except Marcy. Nobody likes her.
I can only imagine what Marcy's face looked like as she just read that (probably while at work - get to work MARCY!) I was kidding of course! Everyone loves Marcy, c'mon!! It's Marcy! She is one of my favorite blondes in the entire world - for sure in the top 3!! I'm for sure getting hatemail after this.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Welcome Baby Tye Ashton
Tye Ashton Maier was born this morning at, I think,...3:44am. He is 9lb 1oz and 21" long. He looks like he may have the same haircolor as Justin. He is perfect!! Congrats Justin and Alex on your sweet little boy! We love you Tye!
Friday, February 12, 2010
I can't get on my facebook.
I feel so lost. Sam is sleeping. Mike and the girls went "errand running". And my facebook is down. I don't even know what to do with myself. I don't even have anything worth blogging about. OH Except.....
SAM is 8 MONTHS OLD TODAY!!!!!!
He has grown soooo much, and he is so smart already!!! He even helps himself to snacks...
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Today's Katarinaisms
1. "I'm glad I'm not a snail, 'cuz then I'd be all slobbery." 2. "You need to build a big fence around my door, 'cuz Kenz always comes in my room and messes up all my stuff."
3. "I'm gonna wear my bathing suit to bath tonight, 'cuz Sam always try to grab a peak and then I'd get embarrassed".
4. "Someday when I'm a real old lady, older than Ma and older than Daddy's mom - I'm gonna jump with a parachute and go 'blbuububuueugeughubyu' (making a funny noise and waving her arms) - that would be real funny."
5. "Ma gave me two pieces of white chocolate, one for me and one to share with Kenz, and (pause) by accident I ate them both."
That's all my tired mommy brain can remember for now....I'm sure there was more...believe it or not, those were all from just today.
ps- did you watch LOST this week?!?pps-Webster is officially sold!!! Yipeeeeeeeee!
ppps-150 hits in one day?!? C'mon lurkers! Come on out and "follow"!!!!
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
It's ok. I'm a professional Mommy.
This video montage was supposed to be of Samuel's first year, but with all that has happened - I wanted to celebrate who he is now through his cranio journey.
Flashback/Playback
I've been working on a video montage for Megasam. Here's one I had made for the girls awhile ago. Enjoy!
Sunday, January 31, 2010
"For all the Mother's fighting for better days to come...stand up say Yes I will, Yes I can!" Alicia Keys
My face is sore. Very sore. I have TMJ and after my dentist appointment on Friday, I have pain in both sides of my jaw, my neck and a bit of a headache. Eating hurts, but at least it is good for my figure. I don't remember it bothering me so much after the dentist before - but maybe I have just blocked it out. Anyways, I hate to complain about it now - since I have so much to be thankful for. It has been a very busy week. Mike has called me Supermom - which is kind of him to notice. So, I'm sore but I'm happy. My shoulders are feeling a lot lighter this weekend. I just imagine God leaning down, lifting boulders off of me, "Here, let me get those for you..."
I've shown the Webster house and taken calls on the Webster house a lot lately. Regina's housing market is really picking up again. There were some really promising showings last week - and I was sure that they would call again. They didn't. Then I showed the house to a couple around our age on Tuesday night. The realtor was nice, the man was friendly - but the "mom" didn't seem at all interested. After they left, I closed the door and started turning off lights. I had forgot how pretty it is to look out those back greatroom windows and just see open sky and Evraz to the right. It was black outside and the lights twinkled and the smoke and steam lingered above Kat's "Bolcano".
When we had first moved into that house, Kattie was two and she said, "look mommy A BOLCANO!" It was Evraz - Ipsco then, I think. Aren't kids the best?! I cried just for a second. I think all of the pressure was just waiting for me to crack - and I did for a short second. I was also frustrated with the house - it has a great location, it's super clean, it's new, it's finished, and it's priced below value. Why wasn't it selling?! I left the house, went home to my family, looked at Mike and shook my head.
The buses hadn't run all last week, because of all of the the snow. What a pain in the butt. Driving back and forth to school, scheduling Sam's naps & feedings, and normal household stuff in between. Kenzie didn't go to school a couple days - since I had no way to get her there in the beginning of the week. Then later my neighbour friend and I shared kid pick up duties. It helped a lot, but man, am I grateful that buses are running again this week! I had also been trying to get to the other house as much as possible to clean and freshen - so everything was gleaming when I had showings. It's amazing how a house can get dirty with nobody in it.
Wednesday night, we had company and it was really nice to just sit, eat, drink and relax. I believe we were right smack dab in the middle of laughing at my cousin's skiing ability when the phone rang. It was the realtor from Tuesday night. They want to see the house again and then write up an offer! Unbelievable. I didn't want to get too excited, as we had one really low and ridiculous offer already (months ago) - but I was really hopeful. Thursday I had plans with my very pregnant sister in law. I felt bad changing our plans, but I really, REALLY needed to work at the old house before they walked through again. I wanted to line the drawers, especially in the bathrooms, wash the floors, and try to get it smelling good again. The house smelled different - not awful, just different than what I'd like my house to smell - so I was on a mission.
Thursday, Alex (my brother's wife and soon to be new mommy) and my mom came to town. Mom kept Kat and Sam happy and Alex kept me happy. Thank goodness she is nesting! She was the perfect cleaning companion at the other house. We did lots. I was really happy with how it all turned out there. The house looked sparkly and smelled fresh. I had just enough time left over to run to the school, pick up Kenz, feed Sam, get back to the house and show it at 4:30. It was a good thing that I went over at 4:10, because they came at 4:15pm. They stayed for an hour. The couple (and their little boy) looked around and planned on their own, and it gave their realtor and I a chance to visit and negotiate. I gave him my thoughts and he was very receptive.
They left the house happy and so did I. I went home and by 6pm the realtor had called with their offer. It was good. It was pretty much what we wanted and possession was even better - in three weeks! We agreed, he came over, papers were signed and we have a conditional deal. All conditions will be removed by this coming Friday. Then, hopefully, our house will be officially sold.
Finally, Friday arrives. We called a babysitter to stay with the girls - as Kenz had no school. Mike, Sam and I were all anxiously excited to go see Dr. Buwembo. We had the CT in hand, and we were ready. Our appointment was set for 9am. He arrived at 10am. I was worried that I wouldn't make it on time for my dentist appointment, which was at 11. He called us in at 10:10. Dr. Buwembo is tall and very dark - very striking. He is also very kind. He immediately took to Samuel. Sam took to him as well. He thought that he looked better in person than in the scan. He thought that his forehead was nice and wide - considering all that was going on. He wants to see Sam monthly to watch how he is growing. He even thought that by 24 months, if he is growing good by then, we will be out of the woods. We left with great big grins. We couldn't have asked for better.
*I will post a pic of Kat's Bolcano later to this post - after I run to the other house...
I've shown the Webster house and taken calls on the Webster house a lot lately. Regina's housing market is really picking up again. There were some really promising showings last week - and I was sure that they would call again. They didn't. Then I showed the house to a couple around our age on Tuesday night. The realtor was nice, the man was friendly - but the "mom" didn't seem at all interested. After they left, I closed the door and started turning off lights. I had forgot how pretty it is to look out those back greatroom windows and just see open sky and Evraz to the right. It was black outside and the lights twinkled and the smoke and steam lingered above Kat's "Bolcano".
When we had first moved into that house, Kattie was two and she said, "look mommy A BOLCANO!" It was Evraz - Ipsco then, I think. Aren't kids the best?! I cried just for a second. I think all of the pressure was just waiting for me to crack - and I did for a short second. I was also frustrated with the house - it has a great location, it's super clean, it's new, it's finished, and it's priced below value. Why wasn't it selling?! I left the house, went home to my family, looked at Mike and shook my head.
The buses hadn't run all last week, because of all of the the snow. What a pain in the butt. Driving back and forth to school, scheduling Sam's naps & feedings, and normal household stuff in between. Kenzie didn't go to school a couple days - since I had no way to get her there in the beginning of the week. Then later my neighbour friend and I shared kid pick up duties. It helped a lot, but man, am I grateful that buses are running again this week! I had also been trying to get to the other house as much as possible to clean and freshen - so everything was gleaming when I had showings. It's amazing how a house can get dirty with nobody in it.
Wednesday night, we had company and it was really nice to just sit, eat, drink and relax. I believe we were right smack dab in the middle of laughing at my cousin's skiing ability when the phone rang. It was the realtor from Tuesday night. They want to see the house again and then write up an offer! Unbelievable. I didn't want to get too excited, as we had one really low and ridiculous offer already (months ago) - but I was really hopeful. Thursday I had plans with my very pregnant sister in law. I felt bad changing our plans, but I really, REALLY needed to work at the old house before they walked through again. I wanted to line the drawers, especially in the bathrooms, wash the floors, and try to get it smelling good again. The house smelled different - not awful, just different than what I'd like my house to smell - so I was on a mission.
Thursday, Alex (my brother's wife and soon to be new mommy) and my mom came to town. Mom kept Kat and Sam happy and Alex kept me happy. Thank goodness she is nesting! She was the perfect cleaning companion at the other house. We did lots. I was really happy with how it all turned out there. The house looked sparkly and smelled fresh. I had just enough time left over to run to the school, pick up Kenz, feed Sam, get back to the house and show it at 4:30. It was a good thing that I went over at 4:10, because they came at 4:15pm. They stayed for an hour. The couple (and their little boy) looked around and planned on their own, and it gave their realtor and I a chance to visit and negotiate. I gave him my thoughts and he was very receptive.
They left the house happy and so did I. I went home and by 6pm the realtor had called with their offer. It was good. It was pretty much what we wanted and possession was even better - in three weeks! We agreed, he came over, papers were signed and we have a conditional deal. All conditions will be removed by this coming Friday. Then, hopefully, our house will be officially sold.
Finally, Friday arrives. We called a babysitter to stay with the girls - as Kenz had no school. Mike, Sam and I were all anxiously excited to go see Dr. Buwembo. We had the CT in hand, and we were ready. Our appointment was set for 9am. He arrived at 10am. I was worried that I wouldn't make it on time for my dentist appointment, which was at 11. He called us in at 10:10. Dr. Buwembo is tall and very dark - very striking. He is also very kind. He immediately took to Samuel. Sam took to him as well. He thought that he looked better in person than in the scan. He thought that his forehead was nice and wide - considering all that was going on. He wants to see Sam monthly to watch how he is growing. He even thought that by 24 months, if he is growing good by then, we will be out of the woods. We left with great big grins. We couldn't have asked for better.
*I will post a pic of Kat's Bolcano later to this post - after I run to the other house...
Monday, January 25, 2010
Will You Come Back?
Every night, after I say goodnight to my Kattie, she asks me, "will you come back?" And every night I tell her Mommy always comes back. She needs to ask so she can fall asleep, and I need to check on her so I can rest too.
Something's itching at my brain - picking away, eating my insides. Is it that I'm just tired? or maybe that I'm feeling guilty about Kenzie not going to school tomorrow since the buses aren't running again. I have some guilts, fears, and anxieties that linger in the back of my mind just waiting for the right time to surface. Sam's appointment is on Friday. I'd be lying if I didn't admit to being afraid. I mean, a little afraid. I am so sick of anyone telling me, "I just have this good feeling that everything is fine". Well good, I'm glad you have that good feeling. I don't. And you, wanting me to say that I do too, will not actually make me have those good feelings. It doesn't work like that. And please don't congratulate me on the "good news" from Calgary. I am very thankful, that surgery is likely not required. But I am still sad, that cranio is still his diagnosis. And if you were grieving, I would never say, "get over it, move on, you are not allowed to grieve anymore!" The terror of surgery is gone, almost completely. I'm even back to eating again, for a few weeks now. Someone asked me, if I can let it go? And the answer is no. I can't. My Samuel, has been diagnosed with something that doesn't go away. Even if he had surgery, he would still have that diagnosis. It isn't something that they can just remove and Tada! He's cured. Nope. It's something that will always be a part of him. It's the way he was programmed to be.
Programmed to be - is how our pediatrician described it to us. How he is made. So, my beautiful bouncy baby boy is perfect just the way he is. Anyone who looks at him can see that. But then there is my brain, that asks questions - that maybe shouldn't be asked. Questions like, his perfect little head is a baby head, what happens when he is a man and it can't grow like the rest of him? Or, how is the pressure and shape of his mild condition going to affect his behaviours and learning abilities. My boy is brilliant - for a 7 month old. And his head is big enough for a 7 month old. What happens if it just isn't big enough anymore? What happens if that time comes? Will the "fine" people say, "oh, wow, didn't see that comin' - gosh that's a bummer." Because I'm wondering and I need to know, if one person - who actually knows what they are talking about - can say to me and promise me, "His head is going to do all the things it needs to and he will never EVER have any disabilities because of his cranio". As Sam's mom - I am asking SOMEONE to promise me this. I think I know what that someone would say to me. I think and I feel inside that no one can promise me this. This is what I can't let go. I can let go of surgery - I almost have. I can't let go of Sam.
Five months ago I worried about getting enough sleep at night - and how the foods I eat will affect my breast milk. I remember trying to decide if I should take a strollercize class with my neighbour. Those days, seem so very, very long ago. Now that I know that there is craniosynostosis, I worry about so many other things that five months ago I never even knew existed. I feel robbed a little bit. I know that many, MANY mothers have it much worse and much harder. I know a few of those mommies quite well. But nobody plans for their child to have a "condition". Can you imagine, filling out your form during pregnancy? Please check a minimum of 2 items:
Something's itching at my brain - picking away, eating my insides. Is it that I'm just tired? or maybe that I'm feeling guilty about Kenzie not going to school tomorrow since the buses aren't running again. I have some guilts, fears, and anxieties that linger in the back of my mind just waiting for the right time to surface. Sam's appointment is on Friday. I'd be lying if I didn't admit to being afraid. I mean, a little afraid. I am so sick of anyone telling me, "I just have this good feeling that everything is fine". Well good, I'm glad you have that good feeling. I don't. And you, wanting me to say that I do too, will not actually make me have those good feelings. It doesn't work like that. And please don't congratulate me on the "good news" from Calgary. I am very thankful, that surgery is likely not required. But I am still sad, that cranio is still his diagnosis. And if you were grieving, I would never say, "get over it, move on, you are not allowed to grieve anymore!" The terror of surgery is gone, almost completely. I'm even back to eating again, for a few weeks now. Someone asked me, if I can let it go? And the answer is no. I can't. My Samuel, has been diagnosed with something that doesn't go away. Even if he had surgery, he would still have that diagnosis. It isn't something that they can just remove and Tada! He's cured. Nope. It's something that will always be a part of him. It's the way he was programmed to be.
Programmed to be - is how our pediatrician described it to us. How he is made. So, my beautiful bouncy baby boy is perfect just the way he is. Anyone who looks at him can see that. But then there is my brain, that asks questions - that maybe shouldn't be asked. Questions like, his perfect little head is a baby head, what happens when he is a man and it can't grow like the rest of him? Or, how is the pressure and shape of his mild condition going to affect his behaviours and learning abilities. My boy is brilliant - for a 7 month old. And his head is big enough for a 7 month old. What happens if it just isn't big enough anymore? What happens if that time comes? Will the "fine" people say, "oh, wow, didn't see that comin' - gosh that's a bummer." Because I'm wondering and I need to know, if one person - who actually knows what they are talking about - can say to me and promise me, "His head is going to do all the things it needs to and he will never EVER have any disabilities because of his cranio". As Sam's mom - I am asking SOMEONE to promise me this. I think I know what that someone would say to me. I think and I feel inside that no one can promise me this. This is what I can't let go. I can let go of surgery - I almost have. I can't let go of Sam.
Five months ago I worried about getting enough sleep at night - and how the foods I eat will affect my breast milk. I remember trying to decide if I should take a strollercize class with my neighbour. Those days, seem so very, very long ago. Now that I know that there is craniosynostosis, I worry about so many other things that five months ago I never even knew existed. I feel robbed a little bit. I know that many, MANY mothers have it much worse and much harder. I know a few of those mommies quite well. But nobody plans for their child to have a "condition". Can you imagine, filling out your form during pregnancy? Please check a minimum of 2 items:
- blindness
- deafness
- craniosynostosis
- seizures
- cerebral palsy
- autism
- behaviour problems
- cancer
- diabetes
- speech delay
- etc...
Of course you can't. Nobody signs up for anything. You take what you get. And you do the best you can. I'm not mom of the year. I make a lot of mistakes. Sometimes, I don't learn the first or even the second time. But I always come back. So when my child asks me, "will you come back?" The only answer is yes. Mommy always comes back.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
4 teeth and a Shower
Sammington has been working on his 4th tooth since New Year's. I think it is here. I thought that he had cut #4 and #5, but I think #5 is just pressing up into the gum and hasn't cut yet. The poor guy feels so awful - he doesn't sleep properly, he can't eat, and he's so snotty. This past week I have named Teething Week. We have had very VERY little sleep. He's so rundown now.
Teething Week wouldn't have been near as much fun, if I hadn't also been planning a shower for my good friend, Sarah. Thankfully, my aunt and Sarah's mom took care of most of the food. It was all so nice. And I cheated a little with my cupcakes...I ordered the cake part from Sobey's and just decorated them
with fondant and "ears". I premade all of the dots and bows, so that when Mike picked up the cupcakes for me, I could just plop them on!
with fondant and "ears". I premade all of the dots and bows, so that when Mike picked up the cupcakes for me, I could just plop them on!
Speaking of Mike, I have the best husband in the world! Not only did he not complain about 35 strangers in our home, or that I decorated the whole house in pink and white polka dots, but he also helped me get everything ready with the 3 rugrats in tow. He is awesome. I am so lucky - he looked pretty cute yesterday too ;)
The day, I think, went pretty well. I hope Sarah had a nice afternoon. There are some moments in life that become "forever moments" - those times, that 10 years later (and I'm imagining - maybe even 40 years) that become attached to that moment, telling a story, creating a memory. I'm hoping that when Emily is 30 years old, her mom will look back in her baby album and see her baby shower pictures - and smile.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
We've missed you Monkey
When Mackenzie was 18 months old, she had a kidney infection and had to be hospitalized. Mackenzie was always underweight and was also dehydrated at that time too. Poor little thing had such a rough start, it seemed to take her forever to get healthier and stronger. I wish I had pictures to post on here, since she looked like such a dolly in her hospital gown. Anyways, during that time her Uncle Brad and Auntie Michelle came to visit and brought her the cutest little Monkey. She immediately fell in love with "Monkey".
Monkey stayed a close friend for a long time, until Teddy came around. You can probably guess what Teddy was, Kenz has never had the most imaginative names for her 'friends' (she even has a stuffed dog named "Furry Pinkwhite"). She still loved Monkey, but Teddy was the new BFF.
Then Katarina came about and once she was old enough to claim things as hers - she decided that Monkey should be hers. Thankfully, Kenzie didn't put up a fight and let her baby sister have Monkey.
Katarina sleeps with Monkey every night. She loves Monkey. Monkey is a boy, but he wears a dress now. Every morning, Kattie comes down the stairs with all her buddies - including Monkey. She often asks to take him with to the grocery store or where ever else we need to go. I always say no. I knew that if Monkey was left or dropped that we would have trouble, so Monkey usually stays and holds the fort down until we get back. Well, Daddy was in charge on Friday, and Monkey, the lucky guy, got to tag along EVERYWHERE they went.
Then the worst happened. Monkey was missing. We searched in and out of everything and everywhere. I've even made some phone calls to locate Monkey. Poor Kattie was up until 11pm last night, she couldn't sleep. Monkey needed to come home. And I was blaming Daddy. Mommy never would have let Monkey leave the house.
So this morning I'm washing Kattie's bedding and I ran back in her room to grab something. There is Monkey laying on the mattress pad - hanging out all by himself. I asked Kattie where he had been. She then raised a little Dolly diaperbag (which had been laying in the same spot since Saturday) and told me that she had told Monkey to wait in there until she comes back but she forgot about him. I can't even believe she fit him in there. WHEW! I could not be happier to see that little guy! and Whew for Daddy too...he is off the hook for this one ;)
Speaking of monkeys...Here is my little monkey under our kitchen table. All was great until he stood up tall. Then there was lots of tears, "Mommy save me!"
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Cold Soul....where's that HOT CHOCOLATE?!
Today Kattie told me her soul is so cold. I immediately gave her a hug and said, "OH NO!" She told me that I could make it better. So of course, I asked how. She said that she saw a commercial that said Hot Chocolate will warm your soul. I love her.
It has been another busy day. Katarina has been better behaved lately, but Sam has been more unhappy. It always seems to balance out. That darn tooth. He is so very drooly and snotty. He fussed a lot today. Except for when we left the house. It distracted him a little. We ran out today to grab another curtain rod for the great room and look for some pink curtains for my Dolly's room. I am hoping that if we get pink curtains that the need for pink walls will disappear!
Sammington, looked smashing today (can boys look smashing?!) He was wearing light khakis and a fantastic plaid shirt in browns...with a dark brown tee underneath. I also used a dab of Crew hair gel to give him a slight faux hawk. He knows he looked good. Watch out Shallie...
Thankfully, it is EDO Thursday, Mike and I can unwind for the week. We've been watching 'Funny People' over the the last few nights, and hopefully finish it tonight. It's really tricky to watch a movie with Sam. He's just so loud and busy and 7 months old. It's more of a serious movie, but still has it's humour. It's just what I need right now to distract me from worrying and being sad. Both seem to catch up to me at night when I'm tired. Too bad we couldn't solve all of life's problems with hot chocolate, a faux hawk, and maybe Lady Gaga's advice - to just dance, and everything will be ok. It's also too bad that I hadn't noticed sooner that the blind was open in here for the whole world to see. It's a good thing that nothing unusual happened. Ack.
It has been another busy day. Katarina has been better behaved lately, but Sam has been more unhappy. It always seems to balance out. That darn tooth. He is so very drooly and snotty. He fussed a lot today. Except for when we left the house. It distracted him a little. We ran out today to grab another curtain rod for the great room and look for some pink curtains for my Dolly's room. I am hoping that if we get pink curtains that the need for pink walls will disappear!
Sammington, looked smashing today (can boys look smashing?!) He was wearing light khakis and a fantastic plaid shirt in browns...with a dark brown tee underneath. I also used a dab of Crew hair gel to give him a slight faux hawk. He knows he looked good. Watch out Shallie...
Thankfully, it is EDO Thursday, Mike and I can unwind for the week. We've been watching 'Funny People' over the the last few nights, and hopefully finish it tonight. It's really tricky to watch a movie with Sam. He's just so loud and busy and 7 months old. It's more of a serious movie, but still has it's humour. It's just what I need right now to distract me from worrying and being sad. Both seem to catch up to me at night when I'm tired. Too bad we couldn't solve all of life's problems with hot chocolate, a faux hawk, and maybe Lady Gaga's advice - to just dance, and everything will be ok. It's also too bad that I hadn't noticed sooner that the blind was open in here for the whole world to see. It's a good thing that nothing unusual happened. Ack.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
AW-kward..
"Uh hello Kristen, are you Samuel's mom?"
"Yes, I am"
"Dr. Buwembo would like to see Samuel on January 29th, 9am" (what is with all these 9am appts??)
"Ok, we will be there. Do you know if he has seen the scan images or just the report?"
"He has seen the CT - but there are some hard copies of the 3D reconstruction that we're having sent over for your appointment." Hmmmm, sent over from my kitchen? I better say something.
"uhh...yes, I think I have those here. I will bring them."
"Noted."
I'm interested to see what he will say. Dr. Buwembo is a neurosurgeon here in Regina - and is very highly rated. I have read wonderful things about him. Although we went to Calgary, it was not that I doubted his ability. It was that he doesn't specialize in cranial facial and I wanted to see a pediatric neurosurgeon that did. In my ideal little world, Dr. B tells us that no surgery is needed but he'd like to keep an eye on my boy to make sure all is doing as it should. That is what I will hope for. I will try and stay positive!
It's been a busy week of cranio, teething, and I registered Kattiepie for Kindergarten in fall! She is so excited for school. She's so smart she'll do good, but I have a feeling she will have a short attention span and be very, VERY chatty. (Note to someone in particular - Shut it, I know what just went through your head. ps- said with love).
"Yes, I am"
"Dr. Buwembo would like to see Samuel on January 29th, 9am" (what is with all these 9am appts??)
"Ok, we will be there. Do you know if he has seen the scan images or just the report?"
"He has seen the CT - but there are some hard copies of the 3D reconstruction that we're having sent over for your appointment." Hmmmm, sent over from my kitchen? I better say something.
"uhh...yes, I think I have those here. I will bring them."
"Noted."
I'm interested to see what he will say. Dr. Buwembo is a neurosurgeon here in Regina - and is very highly rated. I have read wonderful things about him. Although we went to Calgary, it was not that I doubted his ability. It was that he doesn't specialize in cranial facial and I wanted to see a pediatric neurosurgeon that did. In my ideal little world, Dr. B tells us that no surgery is needed but he'd like to keep an eye on my boy to make sure all is doing as it should. That is what I will hope for. I will try and stay positive!
It's been a busy week of cranio, teething, and I registered Kattiepie for Kindergarten in fall! She is so excited for school. She's so smart she'll do good, but I have a feeling she will have a short attention span and be very, VERY chatty. (Note to someone in particular - Shut it, I know what just went through your head. ps- said with love).
I wasn't able to choose morning or afternoon, they said it's all zoning issues. I really hope she gets morning. Sometimes I worry that the kids that are in the afternoon are the kids whose parents need to sleep in everyday, because everyone stayed up way too late. My apologies to anyone whose kid is in the p.m Kindergarten class.
Viewer Mail
Viewer Mail
I'm impressed, there were a lot of questions for this week's viewer mail - sorry I had to cut a few!
1. Do you soap or shampoo first in a shower? I shampoo, rinse, condition, and then soap while the conditioner's on.
2. Do you blow dry your hair, or just let it air dry, or towel dry? any of those, depending on the day.
3. What is your biggest pet peeve? Yikes I have a few. I think it is a tie between texting someone when you're visiting with me and going offline without saying anything (if we've been talking the whole time).
4. At a movie theatre, which arm rest is yours? the right one when we're with the kids, and the opposite side that Mike is sitting on, if I'm with my boy.
5. If life was a sitcom, what would be some of the episode titles? ooooo, last summer when there was a wasp in the house and it bit me, "The wasp in the Kitchen" or "Ma's visit". Mike had actually said this last summer, that a crew should follow me around all day - because he thinks people would watch. It's never boring here, someone is almost always funny or nude or both.
6. Non kid related, what's bugging you today? My vacuum died and my flatscreen is going black. Both are under 3 years old. Although, in my vacuum's defense - it is used a lot.
7. If you had to pick your child's occupation at this moment what occupation would you pick for them?
Mackenzie - Veterinarian, because she LOVES animals and is so smart.
Katarina - It's not an occupation, but I always think of a little Grandma when I think of Kat, cuz she's so sweet and inventive. But maybe a teacher since she likes to do lots of activities and she's always busy :).
Samuel - that boy's a Football player. He is glued to the tv when it is on, his little jersey looks good on him, and he holds all of his toys like he's running with a football.
1. Do you soap or shampoo first in a shower? I shampoo, rinse, condition, and then soap while the conditioner's on.
2. Do you blow dry your hair, or just let it air dry, or towel dry? any of those, depending on the day.
3. What is your biggest pet peeve? Yikes I have a few. I think it is a tie between texting someone when you're visiting with me and going offline without saying anything (if we've been talking the whole time).
4. At a movie theatre, which arm rest is yours? the right one when we're with the kids, and the opposite side that Mike is sitting on, if I'm with my boy.
5. If life was a sitcom, what would be some of the episode titles? ooooo, last summer when there was a wasp in the house and it bit me, "The wasp in the Kitchen" or "Ma's visit". Mike had actually said this last summer, that a crew should follow me around all day - because he thinks people would watch. It's never boring here, someone is almost always funny or nude or both.
6. Non kid related, what's bugging you today? My vacuum died and my flatscreen is going black. Both are under 3 years old. Although, in my vacuum's defense - it is used a lot.
7. If you had to pick your child's occupation at this moment what occupation would you pick for them?
Mackenzie - Veterinarian, because she LOVES animals and is so smart.
Katarina - It's not an occupation, but I always think of a little Grandma when I think of Kat, cuz she's so sweet and inventive. But maybe a teacher since she likes to do lots of activities and she's always busy :).
Samuel - that boy's a Football player. He is glued to the tv when it is on, his little jersey looks good on him, and he holds all of his toys like he's running with a football.
* After laying Sam down for his nap, I came out to see what Kat was doing. She did this with her little Barbie kids...perhaps I need to rethink my choice for her occupation or maybe it's just right ;).
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