"Stop making a fool out of me, why don't you come on over, Valerie." this song plays on repeat in my head (and probably on my puter) over and over and over again. I like it. But I like it like Calgon. It takes me away...completely. I honestly feel the beehive coming on and my hand sewn cherry pie apron magically appear on me. * Which on a side note, I WILL be blogging about later *
My walls turn orange, and my carpet is patterned when this song plays. In my head, it's that simple. beehive, liquid eyeliner, cherry pie apron, cookies in oven, and one or more children doing a puzzle on my patterned carpet. I am not drunk either. Although, I do plan to have a glass of wine once the shorties are in bed.
Some things will never change for me. The first day of school will always be stressful, I will always seem to find compassion for the underdog, and music will always inspire me to be something else? more? different? Whatever it is, I love music. I love this song. I love Amy Winehouse. I loved her before she died..despite her issues. good grief, nobody's perfect. heaven knows I have too many flaws to mention. I don't want to jump on the Amy Winehouse debate over whether or not she was worthy - because even if I do believe she was, it's not up to me to convince you.
In fact, I really don't feel like convincing anything anymore. I'm tired. and over thirty! hA! Everyone knows what that means. or they think they do. But anyways, (yes, Ms. deGeneres, you haunt me everytime still) I have a new passion. I want to say guess, but I think you'd all guess wrong. I'm a wee bit addicted to cycling right now (not it!) and I truly love how creative my kitchen skills have become, but my passion is more than that.
I think I've always been a lil' bit philosophical, a lil' bit creative, a lil' bit into healthy living, a lil' bit a lot of things. The last ten years, I've had hurdles, and triumphs and both have taken a lot out of me. As they would anyone, or as anyone's hurdles/triumphs would. And now, I don't know what has changed in me - but I am more interested in wholesome, good-filled, well balanced living. That's it. just living. balanced. I'm going to find it. I mean, I am finding it. it's found. mostly. and now I'm going to blog about it. If only I could get that ginger haired girl off my mind.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Monday, May 17, 2010
Little new me
My littlest girl is 5 years old. Katarina had her birthday last Friday. She feels like my baby still...somehow more so than Sam. My Kattie is a doll. Like any child, yes, at times she can drive you crazy - but she has the most sweetest, most genuine heart.
I've been watching her a lot lately and noticing what I should have long ago. Now, after what I just said about her this may seem like a very self absorbed comment, but I will state the obvious anyhow. Katarina is mini me. She is exactly like me. Appearance wise obviously, but in so many other ways too. I noticed yesterday when my brother asked me a question and then made fun of me because I am a quiet talker. Since I was young, various people have remarked, smirked, or maybe just been annoyed over not being able to hear me. Not always, but on many occasion. I would try and speak up the next time, and somehow be even more awkward than I was the previous time. And now, I catch myself becoming annoyed with my little girl over the same issue. I get it now. Like me, she is not trying to be annoying or unheard - in fact, in her own head I am very certain she sounds loud enough. She may be feeling a little unsure, or maybe she is just putting a lot of thought into what she is trying to say - or just being extra cautious. Or perhaps, it is just in her nature that a soft voice is what she has. Sometimes lessons come years later, and I clearly missed the first few years of this lesson but I get it now. Instead of being annoyed or frustrated with her, I need to listen more carefully or maybe it is my problem, not hers that I can't put as much care into what she is saying as it is taking for her to say it. Something that once made me feel insecure, and even more soft spoken has now taught me that maybe it is not such a terrible attribute to have after all. And maybe there is even a little bit of charm in her sweet little way.
My daughter is one of the most generous, sincere, and gentle beings that I have ever met. Of course, she has not yet been polluted by school nor too much from the self absorbed "me generation". I need to help her to be confident in all of her soft spoken ways so that she will stay true to herself, what a tough task for any parent.
I am extra reflective today. Blogging from our sunny deck - tired as heck. Stoopid sleep. My neighbour pointed something out to me the other day. That terrorists use sleep, or lack thereof, as a tool for torture. So true...night after night, day after day being deprived of one of your most basic needs...thank goodness, the boy is napping now and all I have to do (I mean really do, the housework will still be there tomorrow) is watch my Kattie swing back and forth.
I've been watching her a lot lately and noticing what I should have long ago. Now, after what I just said about her this may seem like a very self absorbed comment, but I will state the obvious anyhow. Katarina is mini me. She is exactly like me. Appearance wise obviously, but in so many other ways too. I noticed yesterday when my brother asked me a question and then made fun of me because I am a quiet talker. Since I was young, various people have remarked, smirked, or maybe just been annoyed over not being able to hear me. Not always, but on many occasion. I would try and speak up the next time, and somehow be even more awkward than I was the previous time. And now, I catch myself becoming annoyed with my little girl over the same issue. I get it now. Like me, she is not trying to be annoying or unheard - in fact, in her own head I am very certain she sounds loud enough. She may be feeling a little unsure, or maybe she is just putting a lot of thought into what she is trying to say - or just being extra cautious. Or perhaps, it is just in her nature that a soft voice is what she has. Sometimes lessons come years later, and I clearly missed the first few years of this lesson but I get it now. Instead of being annoyed or frustrated with her, I need to listen more carefully or maybe it is my problem, not hers that I can't put as much care into what she is saying as it is taking for her to say it. Something that once made me feel insecure, and even more soft spoken has now taught me that maybe it is not such a terrible attribute to have after all. And maybe there is even a little bit of charm in her sweet little way.
My daughter is one of the most generous, sincere, and gentle beings that I have ever met. Of course, she has not yet been polluted by school nor too much from the self absorbed "me generation". I need to help her to be confident in all of her soft spoken ways so that she will stay true to herself, what a tough task for any parent.
I am extra reflective today. Blogging from our sunny deck - tired as heck. Stoopid sleep. My neighbour pointed something out to me the other day. That terrorists use sleep, or lack thereof, as a tool for torture. So true...night after night, day after day being deprived of one of your most basic needs...thank goodness, the boy is napping now and all I have to do (I mean really do, the housework will still be there tomorrow) is watch my Kattie swing back and forth.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
YAHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
We're going on a trip in our favorite rocket ship...well, not quite a rocket. But close - Westjet! Yup, that's right the McNutt's are going on a holiday. We weren't planning a trip but one came our way and here we are booked, excited, and a little nervous too!! I am firm believer in following where God leads you and this is where we go next!
Last Friday, I was just checking my email and I read out loud a flight deal to Mike and laughed. Surprisingly, he turned around and said, "REALLY?!" Then after looking into it, it was for real and not very advertised. $49 flights to Mexico!!! And to top it off there was a newer resort offering a special just for families. We were so excited we called my parents right away and good friends that just came home from travelling that would know what we need to do. Then for the weekend we decided to sit on it, do what we could for our passports, and then wait to see what the Canadian passport office had to say. Everything was falling into place, even Sam's birth certificate came out of hiding (it's been missing since July!). I'm not talking about little signs and persuasions, I'm talking about great big arrows followed by a kick in the butt. Even commercials for vacationing in Mexico were on the television all weekend. Sunday night, Mike and I checked the flights to see if they were still available. We were all ready for the passports to be processed the next morning. The kids had gone to bed, we had been on the edge of our seats all weekend and no one (except our friends and mom and dad) knew what we were thinking. I sat down at the computer and clicked on Westjet. OMGosh... they were done. All snatched up. No more return flights available for under $600. Oh well - it was disheartening, but we waited too long.
I don't know what made me look first thing the next morning, but I did. Maybe it is my need for self torture. You know, when your down and out but compelled for one last blow for good measure? that kind of thing....well, I'm sure glad I did because they had 4 seats to and 3 seats available for $49 return. I only needed 4 as Sam flies free! They also had a few seats available for $234 now. I decided to book the 3 now and wait for another to pop up over the day. While on the phone with westjet, all but one of the $230 returns went as well. So, I took the last one too. I had 24 hours to decide if we were keeping the flight.
Next - the passport office. Everything went so well. They kept telling me that we were one of the lucky ones that got a hold of that deal! I didn't know how I felt yet, I wanted to be excited but it was happening very VERY fast!!
Here we are now - too late to cancel flights, passports being processed, immunizations booked, and accommodations all in place! I can't believe we are going on a vacation!!! The kids are so excited, Mike has taken off work (which he never ever EVER does), and more than anything this holiday is just so needed. I can't wait for a change of scenery, the sunshine, the adventure, no phones, no email, no facebook, and just an escape with my most favorite people - my family. Now if only I could get rid of my Mommy nerves. I am such a homebody. I have a hard time leaving my house for the store, nevermind the country to a brand new place! It's time to get out of my comfort zone and step out. I really don't think it is normal to need encouragement to go on a holiday, but sadly for me - I kind of do! I had to laugh last night, as I think Mike and I have both been here too long - we both have unsettled nerves about leaving our house. BUT, we're super excited too - I can't wait to see the look on the girls' faces.... every two minutes....
Ok now girl, just breathe. YEeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaahhH!
Last Friday, I was just checking my email and I read out loud a flight deal to Mike and laughed. Surprisingly, he turned around and said, "REALLY?!" Then after looking into it, it was for real and not very advertised. $49 flights to Mexico!!! And to top it off there was a newer resort offering a special just for families. We were so excited we called my parents right away and good friends that just came home from travelling that would know what we need to do. Then for the weekend we decided to sit on it, do what we could for our passports, and then wait to see what the Canadian passport office had to say. Everything was falling into place, even Sam's birth certificate came out of hiding (it's been missing since July!). I'm not talking about little signs and persuasions, I'm talking about great big arrows followed by a kick in the butt. Even commercials for vacationing in Mexico were on the television all weekend. Sunday night, Mike and I checked the flights to see if they were still available. We were all ready for the passports to be processed the next morning. The kids had gone to bed, we had been on the edge of our seats all weekend and no one (except our friends and mom and dad) knew what we were thinking. I sat down at the computer and clicked on Westjet. OMGosh... they were done. All snatched up. No more return flights available for under $600. Oh well - it was disheartening, but we waited too long.
I don't know what made me look first thing the next morning, but I did. Maybe it is my need for self torture. You know, when your down and out but compelled for one last blow for good measure? that kind of thing....well, I'm sure glad I did because they had 4 seats to and 3 seats available for $49 return. I only needed 4 as Sam flies free! They also had a few seats available for $234 now. I decided to book the 3 now and wait for another to pop up over the day. While on the phone with westjet, all but one of the $230 returns went as well. So, I took the last one too. I had 24 hours to decide if we were keeping the flight.
Next - the passport office. Everything went so well. They kept telling me that we were one of the lucky ones that got a hold of that deal! I didn't know how I felt yet, I wanted to be excited but it was happening very VERY fast!!
Here we are now - too late to cancel flights, passports being processed, immunizations booked, and accommodations all in place! I can't believe we are going on a vacation!!! The kids are so excited, Mike has taken off work (which he never ever EVER does), and more than anything this holiday is just so needed. I can't wait for a change of scenery, the sunshine, the adventure, no phones, no email, no facebook, and just an escape with my most favorite people - my family. Now if only I could get rid of my Mommy nerves. I am such a homebody. I have a hard time leaving my house for the store, nevermind the country to a brand new place! It's time to get out of my comfort zone and step out. I really don't think it is normal to need encouragement to go on a holiday, but sadly for me - I kind of do! I had to laugh last night, as I think Mike and I have both been here too long - we both have unsettled nerves about leaving our house. BUT, we're super excited too - I can't wait to see the look on the girls' faces.... every two minutes....
Ok now girl, just breathe. YEeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaahhH!
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Sam's got a new way to walk...WALK WALK!
BAD MOMMY!! How could I fail to mention....my boy took his first steps yesterday! I didn't catch them on the camera - but I did catch his excitement afterwards, using the pushwalker!!!
Way to Go Samson!!!!
Way to Go Samson!!!!
Bring on the Spring.
I haven't posted for a bit. I'm trying to decide if it's the weather or one of the other complaints on my list getting me down. Is it possible to have a delayed postpartum? I had PPD after Kat - so I wouldn't be surprised, it's just been so long - almost 9 months.
Samuel hasn't been sleeping very much. My days are long and the nights longer. After a week of no sleep, I think paranoia and anxiety set in. I wake up (or in my case decide to call it morning) more stressed than when I went to bed. My TMJ is so out of control. I am hoping to get my night guard soon - I just have so much pain in my face. Is it the lack of sleep, the time of year, or has my stress level just plateaued at numbness?
Sam's appointment is early tomorrow morning. I'm excited for him to tell me, "Samuel looks great!" I am confident about that at least. Sam looks better than ever! He looks ridgey to me, but the rest of his head is taking a very nice shape. Although the ridge does bug me, I've already decided that if anyone mentions it, it will only be another opportunity to create awareness.
Everyone keeps asking how ecstatic we are over the sale of our house finally. I think Mike is happy. I know I should be. Shouldn't I? Every house is hard to leave. Brown Street was tough, both of my little girls came home to that house from the hospital. Webster, wasn't as hard - but I didn't enjoy saying goodbye. To be honest, I felt a little cheated. Mike and I had gone 15 minutes early to do our last walk around and whatever we needed to do before handing the keys over, BUT the new owners' realtor was also there waiting. I was kind of mad. He followed us inside and made us feel unwelcome. We left our keys on the kitchen counter, and I left teary.
Webster was our baby too. We designed her and loved her and took care of her. I had a really hard time renting her, and then selling and finally leaving that day felt terrible.
Sometimes I wonder if because I'm a stay at home mom that leaving is harder. I'm here, I mean at home (where ever home has been) 90% of the time. I've used many excuses as to why I don't go out much. There has always been something. Usually, I have a baby with a baby schedule to adhere to. And for a long time, we only had one vehicle. Then throughout the past 6 years - I have babysat on and off. I've either had to be around for buses or pickups or, well, whatever...somedays I wonder if they are just 'excuses'. Maybe I should devote an entire section to the life of a SAHM (stay at home mom). I am very glad that I get to be at home with my kids, and I don't take that for granted. But I do miss the opportunity and privilege of working and using my creativity for something that someone's other than my own eyes can see. Nobody has ever said, "That's fantastic - you emptied the dishwasher, made all the beds, fed and got dressed all before 9 am! Why don't you take your coffee now?!" or "I really like what you've taught Sam to do this week - it must have been time consuming." Everybody needs a pat on the back - mine usually comes from my baby. "Good Job Mommy, being picked up is EXACTLY what I was thinking!"
* note: my blinkie has a spelling error. Funny. Now I need to use another blinkie:
Samuel hasn't been sleeping very much. My days are long and the nights longer. After a week of no sleep, I think paranoia and anxiety set in. I wake up (or in my case decide to call it morning) more stressed than when I went to bed. My TMJ is so out of control. I am hoping to get my night guard soon - I just have so much pain in my face. Is it the lack of sleep, the time of year, or has my stress level just plateaued at numbness?
Sam's appointment is early tomorrow morning. I'm excited for him to tell me, "Samuel looks great!" I am confident about that at least. Sam looks better than ever! He looks ridgey to me, but the rest of his head is taking a very nice shape. Although the ridge does bug me, I've already decided that if anyone mentions it, it will only be another opportunity to create awareness.
Everyone keeps asking how ecstatic we are over the sale of our house finally. I think Mike is happy. I know I should be. Shouldn't I? Every house is hard to leave. Brown Street was tough, both of my little girls came home to that house from the hospital. Webster, wasn't as hard - but I didn't enjoy saying goodbye. To be honest, I felt a little cheated. Mike and I had gone 15 minutes early to do our last walk around and whatever we needed to do before handing the keys over, BUT the new owners' realtor was also there waiting. I was kind of mad. He followed us inside and made us feel unwelcome. We left our keys on the kitchen counter, and I left teary.
Webster was our baby too. We designed her and loved her and took care of her. I had a really hard time renting her, and then selling and finally leaving that day felt terrible.
Sometimes I wonder if because I'm a stay at home mom that leaving is harder. I'm here, I mean at home (where ever home has been) 90% of the time. I've used many excuses as to why I don't go out much. There has always been something. Usually, I have a baby with a baby schedule to adhere to. And for a long time, we only had one vehicle. Then throughout the past 6 years - I have babysat on and off. I've either had to be around for buses or pickups or, well, whatever...somedays I wonder if they are just 'excuses'. Maybe I should devote an entire section to the life of a SAHM (stay at home mom). I am very glad that I get to be at home with my kids, and I don't take that for granted. But I do miss the opportunity and privilege of working and using my creativity for something that someone's other than my own eyes can see. Nobody has ever said, "That's fantastic - you emptied the dishwasher, made all the beds, fed and got dressed all before 9 am! Why don't you take your coffee now?!" or "I really like what you've taught Sam to do this week - it must have been time consuming." Everybody needs a pat on the back - mine usually comes from my baby. "Good Job Mommy, being picked up is EXACTLY what I was thinking!"
* note: my blinkie has a spelling error. Funny. Now I need to use another blinkie:
ANYWAYS, bring on the spring. Bring on the sunshine, bring on the flowers, and all the melty weather. Bring the fresh air, and clear out this staleness. Oh and while we're bringing things....somebody bring a little Zzzzzzzzzzzzz's over to Sherlock. so very much needed, thanks.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
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