It's Just a Bone

I cried from 4 pm until 11:30pm yesterday. Not just little tears but choking sobs at times. I honestly thought for awhile that, "Yep, this is the worst day of my life". Then I came to my senses - a little tiny bit. I mean, Mackenzie had a really bad start to life. Grey, lifeless body, apgar of 3, not breathing. That was really bad, and we got through it. There have been other things that I have questioned, why me? And here I am, over those too. Everyone keeps saying, "you're only given as much as you can handle". I don't really believe that. I believe that as a mom you have to take whatever is given to you, even if it is too much. This is too much. I want to walk away and say, "no thank you, we're not planning on having cranio today". If only we had that option.

I went over in my mind ahead of time of what was going to go down at the pediatrician's office. I could even hear his accent, and see his lips delivering the news in my mind. "Samuel will need to see Dr. Buwembo for surgery on his metopic suture". I was ready for that. I was not ready to look down at the report and see closed metopic suture with Trigonocephaly. Trigon - another fear confirmed (google it on Wiki and read its appeal). He also suspects that the Saggital suture is closing early as well - but the NS can tell us more. But he did say, that he was disappointed with the CT, as he was SURE that there was also closure in the saggital. Good. Anything else we'd like to add while we're handing out cranial deformities, 'cause now's the time to do it! Watching him scribble in pen across Sam's file, craniosynostosis confirmed is forever etched with me.

I think I am on the angry part of the craniocoaster this morning. I am angry that any of this happening. I am angry that Kat has been getting up in the night more than her baby brother. I am angry at my 3 year old plasma upstairs that is already dying. I am angry with lupus and how it makes it harder for the one person I depend on most (other than Mike). I am angry hearing about all the vacations that everyone seems to be going on, while we're spending money on much less desirable things. I don't wish unhappiness on anyone else right now, I just very suddenly realize how fortunate it is to have good health. I'm angry that while everyone is celebrating the New Year tonight, I am screaming inside for my baby to not have to go through all of this. It hurts me so deep inside- the strangest hollow feeling. This hollow fear echoes so loudly, that I wonder if others can hear it too.

I am angry that there is so much pressure on Mike right now. And more than anything I am so angry with myself. I know that I'm wrong and shouldn't be acting this way. There is no time for anger or self pity.
I have to stay focused. Mike has booked our flights with West Jet for 6:55 am on January 7th. We'll be home around supper time. Mike said something last night that made me feel a little calmer. He rationalized that if it were Sam's elbow - we wouldn't like it, but we wouldn't be so afraid. He then reminded me, that it's just a bone and they'll fix it - just like they would all of the other bones to make it right. I am so lucky I have him.